Tuesday, January 19, 2010
On Andrew Eldritch and the War of the Duck
Many have asked me, and many more who are not so brave do wonder, whatever do I mean when I curse the name of Andrew Eldritch? What is it with the duck? I have told the tale only to a select few... this is but an excerpt - a small part in a much larger tale of intrigue and dark magics. Prepare...
The War of the Duck: The Scouring of Limahl
1.That night Saint Chaney was given unto a dream... there were thunderings, and lightnings, and an earthquake ... and a voice cried from on high "woe, woe, woe to the inhabitants of the Earth!" And he saw then a great beast with fiery orange eyes, and a long dark bill. Its feathers were black but shined crimson in the light, stained with the blood of semi-talented pop musicians from the early nineteen eighties. And he saw emerging from the earth a Fallen Angel, one of the Legion aligned with the Morning Star who ascended from hell with a massive forehead and he procclaimed himself Danson.
2.And Danson looked upon the face of mainstream media and a horrid erection the likes of which the world had never seen sprouted from his between his thighs and he spat evil seed into the minds of the writers James Burrows, Glen Charles, and Les Charles and there was much defecation upon the land of television that manifested in the greater ultraterrestrial consciousness that was called Cheers.
3. Saint Chaney stood upon the precipice of madness, waking from his dream in the farway land of Dallas Texas.
4. And the Apothecary Jamal, upon seeing the Saints awakening, requested that he travel north along the great Road to a store and acquire Cough Syrup, when asked why the Apothecary Jamal explained that he would use the substance to create a magical tonic which one imbibed through smoking or injection.
5. The Apothecary Jamal spoke to the saint these words, "Yo jive ass turkey get yo broke bitch ass up off my box and get some fucking sudafed so i can make some crank, we gonna be broke this month if we don't get some shit on the 'mart." And it was so that Saint Chaney began his pilgrimage.
6. For seven days and seven nights the Saint wandered, lost in the wilds of Dallas, tempted at every turn by the agents of Eldritch was lured into a corrupted Shrine that bore the Arabic numerals of 7 and 11. It was fabled among jive turkeys and ho's that a tonic known as the Big Gulp could be acquired, and that it would quench the thirst of man and fill his bladder to bursting.
7.The 7 and 11 had a single priest who stood behind a row of goods and a podium for changing monies. Digging up the few coins the Saint had in the world, he purchased the tonic known as Big Gulp and drank heartily until his thirst was quenched.
8. But the Saint had almost been deceived. 9. The Priest was not a human, but was itself Limahl the third of the Triad and the least powerful therein, the scourge of Eastern Europe, the composer of horrid music.
10.In astonishment the Saint had only begun to utter the sacred words that would give him power to defeat the creature Limahl, who's feathered blonde mullet could transfix lesser men and most women, when the Creature began to sing the verses of the Neverending Story theme.
11. Thrown fifteen steps backward by the sudden emergence of evil from the mouth of the demon, the Saint had spilled the remainder of Big Gulp upon his shirt. 12.The store had a no refund policy.
13.That is when the crying started.
14.None that day could recall, nor their children nor their children's children knew the events that unfolded save a bus full of Tuscan Nuns who were impregnated upon the place where the asskicking commenced.
15. There were thunderings. And lightnings. And Limahl was struck across the face with a mighty penis and a hand covered in dope pimp rings.16.The skies turned black as Limahl was beaten and tortured and desecrated.17.Blood rained from the heavens and the orange eys and obsidian bill of the Duck could be seen as it watched the events unfurl.18. Danson had reawakened, such was the prophecy.
19.So it was when the smoke had cleared and when the Tuscan Nuns had stopped masturbating, the firemen no longer vomited - a voice cast from a television not far away announced a new series. And upon the screen the image of Danson and his Forehead appeared with the second name of the Beast. Becker.
20.The Saint took what cough medication he could and returned to the Apothecary Jamal with news of Danson's return. He knew then that he had to reach the Point of Black Axis from whence the Duck came from the Chaos Realm of Leng, sent by the Panda Overlord to destroy the media- he had to reach this spot before Eldritch, who surely would not be far behind.
21.When the Apothecary Jamal asked of the fate of Limahl, the Saint pimp handed the apothecary and dropped a massive cleveland steamer onto his forehad and said unto him, "You will bear this mark, the mark of the Steamer - for you have doubted the Saint and the glory of Sky Cooter - Limahl's soul is trapped in the Inner Labia of the Cunt. You are punished!"
22. And there was much defecation.
The War of the Duck: The Scouring of Limahl
Excerpts from the Book of Defecation 5:01- 22
1.That night Saint Chaney was given unto a dream... there were thunderings, and lightnings, and an earthquake ... and a voice cried from on high "woe, woe, woe to the inhabitants of the Earth!" And he saw then a great beast with fiery orange eyes, and a long dark bill. Its feathers were black but shined crimson in the light, stained with the blood of semi-talented pop musicians from the early nineteen eighties. And he saw emerging from the earth a Fallen Angel, one of the Legion aligned with the Morning Star who ascended from hell with a massive forehead and he procclaimed himself Danson.
2.And Danson looked upon the face of mainstream media and a horrid erection the likes of which the world had never seen sprouted from his between his thighs and he spat evil seed into the minds of the writers James Burrows, Glen Charles, and Les Charles and there was much defecation upon the land of television that manifested in the greater ultraterrestrial consciousness that was called Cheers.
3. Saint Chaney stood upon the precipice of madness, waking from his dream in the farway land of Dallas Texas.
4. And the Apothecary Jamal, upon seeing the Saints awakening, requested that he travel north along the great Road to a store and acquire Cough Syrup, when asked why the Apothecary Jamal explained that he would use the substance to create a magical tonic which one imbibed through smoking or injection.
5. The Apothecary Jamal spoke to the saint these words, "Yo jive ass turkey get yo broke bitch ass up off my box and get some fucking sudafed so i can make some crank, we gonna be broke this month if we don't get some shit on the 'mart." And it was so that Saint Chaney began his pilgrimage.
6. For seven days and seven nights the Saint wandered, lost in the wilds of Dallas, tempted at every turn by the agents of Eldritch was lured into a corrupted Shrine that bore the Arabic numerals of 7 and 11. It was fabled among jive turkeys and ho's that a tonic known as the Big Gulp could be acquired, and that it would quench the thirst of man and fill his bladder to bursting.
7.The 7 and 11 had a single priest who stood behind a row of goods and a podium for changing monies. Digging up the few coins the Saint had in the world, he purchased the tonic known as Big Gulp and drank heartily until his thirst was quenched.
8. But the Saint had almost been deceived. 9. The Priest was not a human, but was itself Limahl the third of the Triad and the least powerful therein, the scourge of Eastern Europe, the composer of horrid music.
10.In astonishment the Saint had only begun to utter the sacred words that would give him power to defeat the creature Limahl, who's feathered blonde mullet could transfix lesser men and most women, when the Creature began to sing the verses of the Neverending Story theme.
11. Thrown fifteen steps backward by the sudden emergence of evil from the mouth of the demon, the Saint had spilled the remainder of Big Gulp upon his shirt. 12.The store had a no refund policy.
13.That is when the crying started.
14.None that day could recall, nor their children nor their children's children knew the events that unfolded save a bus full of Tuscan Nuns who were impregnated upon the place where the asskicking commenced.
15. There were thunderings. And lightnings. And Limahl was struck across the face with a mighty penis and a hand covered in dope pimp rings.16.The skies turned black as Limahl was beaten and tortured and desecrated.17.Blood rained from the heavens and the orange eys and obsidian bill of the Duck could be seen as it watched the events unfurl.18. Danson had reawakened, such was the prophecy.
19.So it was when the smoke had cleared and when the Tuscan Nuns had stopped masturbating, the firemen no longer vomited - a voice cast from a television not far away announced a new series. And upon the screen the image of Danson and his Forehead appeared with the second name of the Beast. Becker.
20.The Saint took what cough medication he could and returned to the Apothecary Jamal with news of Danson's return. He knew then that he had to reach the Point of Black Axis from whence the Duck came from the Chaos Realm of Leng, sent by the Panda Overlord to destroy the media- he had to reach this spot before Eldritch, who surely would not be far behind.
21.When the Apothecary Jamal asked of the fate of Limahl, the Saint pimp handed the apothecary and dropped a massive cleveland steamer onto his forehad and said unto him, "You will bear this mark, the mark of the Steamer - for you have doubted the Saint and the glory of Sky Cooter - Limahl's soul is trapped in the Inner Labia of the Cunt. You are punished!"
22. And there was much defecation.
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