I Hate Hollywood: The Saint Chaney Story

You know there comes a time in every Saints immortal struggle against evil and iniquity where he has to outline the boundaries and definitions of good and evil for himself instead of adhering to antiquated concepts established thousands of years ago by a people who thought it was okay to sell your wife and children.

I was in the middle of soul searching when I happened to wander upon a boot-legged copy of Dragonball Evolution that had been addressed to me by Saint Peter. There was a note attached to it, which I translated from Aramaic into this: "Yo yo, my homie G-Dog gave up this mad sick Dragonball movie dude, fuckin chillax grab a brewsky and check it out. Its mad sweet." I should have known better. Saint Peter is the biggest douche-nozzel of the lot. Why do you think God stuck him at the door instead of letting him into the big party? Most of the time he sends me text message chain letters and spam mail from the weekly world news web-site which he will never stop talking about if you get him on the subject.

I had mixed feelings when I learned that there was going to be a movie based off of Dragonball. When I heard Justin Chatwin had been cast and not Shai Lebouf I felt a little bit better, and then I heard they were going to put him in HIGH SCHOOL. Yeah. High school. In this decroded piece of chimp fuck, Goku is a hapless unpopular socially awkward high school student who struggles with societal and media induced concepts of normality and acceptable behavior while dealing with the ever-present stigma of fucking SUPER STRENGTH. It's like after the giraffe cum-fest that was Spiderman, Fox recycled the cum and added it to the Dragonball film broth mistakingly thinking that it is some mega-hollywood franchise super-goo that automatically makes something good.

The story is about as thin as that crazy bitch from Ally McBeal and about as satisfying as being allowed half a triscuit cracker after having wandered through the desert of 20th Century Fox's creation for a week. The first question I asked was why I hadn't already eaten the business end of a 12-guage when all of the sudden I realize something else is missing from the movie. None other than Goku's childhood pal and constant companion throughout virtually the entire series, KRILLIN. Nowhere to be seen.

Master Roshi looks like he's entering a Joe Piscipo look alike contest.

The dialogue is about as entertaining as watching Dick Cheney's colonoscopy tape.

Piccolo just randomly appears and starts owning people, which I admit is the closest they got to anything from the series, but it still would have been nice to have had more back story than "bam, he's here, he's gonna fuck you with a big green dick."

The kamehameha was the most worthless piece of shit I have ever seen.

My final judgement? I condemn this movie and all involved with it to die of a combination of herpes and ebola.

I hate hollywood.

The Great Neenering : Ten Reasons My Girlfriend is Better than Yours.

Reason Number One - She admits that she masturbates and does it as regularly and as fervently as I do if not more. Try and get your girlfriend to admit it. Even if she does, mine's still better. There are nine more reasons. Neener neener!

Reason Number Two - She loves sex and is open to bisexual threesomes. NEENER NEENER NEENER!

Reason Number Three - Smarter than the average bear, indeed! Highly creative, appreciative of artistic and literary endeavors and is a self taught and accomplished painter. Can I get a straight neener?

Reason Number Four - She is one of the few followers of the Church of Saint Chaney, Patron Saint of Blasphemers and Defilers. Neenerage.

Reason Number Five - My girlfriend doesn't think its nerdy that I like to write, draw, or read comics. In fact, she encourages everything I do with constructive criticism and is just generally extraordinarily helpful. Neener FUCKING Neener.

Reason Number Six - My girlfriend has a long and sordid history in the BDSM community and is well known by many as a holy terror. Thats right bitch. Neener.

Reason Number Seven - Despite my obvious straightness my girlfriend manages to instill homoerotic thought processes...and makes me like them... Neener? ...Juries out on that one.

Reason Number Eight - My girlfriend threatens me with sticky tape and tweezers. And I'm afraid. I mention wool sweaters, she cringes. She's not cookie-cutter, she has an opinion, and she's fun to laugh with. Definite Neener.

Reason Number Nine - My girlfriend has helped shape my interpretation of the metaphysical and sexual nature of being eaten alive. Neener.

Reason Number Ten - She actually suggested I write this. And will probably reward me later. 9.3 on the Neener Scale.