You know there comes a time in every Saints immortal struggle against evil and iniquity where he has to outline the boundaries and definitions of good and evil for himself instead of adhering to antiquated concepts established thousands of years ago by a people who thought it was okay to sell your wife and children.
I was in the middle of soul searching when I happened to wander upon a boot-legged copy of Dragonball Evolution that had been addressed to me by Saint Peter. There was a note attached to it, which I translated from Aramaic into this: "Yo yo, my homie G-Dog gave up this mad sick Dragonball movie dude, fuckin chillax grab a brewsky and check it out. Its mad sweet." I should have known better. Saint Peter is the biggest douche-nozzel of the lot. Why do you think God stuck him at the door instead of letting him into the big party? Most of the time he sends me text message chain letters and spam mail from the weekly world news web-site which he will never stop talking about if you get him on the subject.
I had mixed feelings when I learned that there was going to be a movie based off of Dragonball. When I heard Justin Chatwin had been cast and not Shai Lebouf I felt a little bit better, and then I heard they were going to put him in HIGH SCHOOL. Yeah. High school. In this decroded piece of chimp fuck, Goku is a hapless unpopular socially awkward high school student who struggles with societal and media induced concepts of normality and acceptable behavior while dealing with the ever-present stigma of fucking SUPER STRENGTH. It's like after the giraffe cum-fest that was Spiderman, Fox recycled the cum and added it to the Dragonball film broth mistakingly thinking that it is some mega-hollywood franchise super-goo that automatically makes something good.
The story is about as thin as that crazy bitch from Ally McBeal and about as satisfying as being allowed half a triscuit cracker after having wandered through the desert of 20th Century Fox's creation for a week. The first question I asked was why I hadn't already eaten the business end of a 12-guage when all of the sudden I realize something else is missing from the movie. None other than Goku's childhood pal and constant companion throughout virtually the entire series, KRILLIN. Nowhere to be seen.
Master Roshi looks like he's entering a Joe Piscipo look alike contest.
The dialogue is about as entertaining as watching Dick Cheney's colonoscopy tape.
Piccolo just randomly appears and starts owning people, which I admit is the closest they got to anything from the series, but it still would have been nice to have had more back story than "bam, he's here, he's gonna fuck you with a big green dick."
The kamehameha was the most worthless piece of shit I have ever seen.
My final judgement? I condemn this movie and all involved with it to die of a combination of herpes and ebola.
I hate hollywood.
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